what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize