I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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