I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
