I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
