You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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