Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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