I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
