Is it normal to miss your booty call?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
