Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
