You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
