and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Randomize
