So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
