tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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