i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize