Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
