Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
