I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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