im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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