I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
