We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
