; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
