Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize