Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
