I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
