I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
