Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
