well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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