My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
