i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
