I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
