I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
