i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
