You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I need to sanitize my soul.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
