I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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