weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
she told me i tasted like america
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
