Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
