Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
love makes seman taste better
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
