guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
