For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize