sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
