Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
