fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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