She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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