well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
