I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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