i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
