I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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