guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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