so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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