So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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