I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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