I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
