First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
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