Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
