Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just cut my nipple shaving
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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