totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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