True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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