i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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