she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
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