All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
