I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize