I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
