Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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