I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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